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Dear Barb,
I recently found out that my friend, whom I thought was my friend, has been talking to others about me. She is from my church and I am so shocked and hurt that she is talking negatively about me and critical of how I act or what I would wear. I know I should overlook this, but should I say something? She is tainting how others look at me!
Signed,
Deeply Disappointed and Hurt
Dear Deeply Disappointed and Hurt,
Be careful of seeing yourself through other people’s eyes. This can be dangerous and put you on edge. It is virtually impossible to discern what others actually think of you. Their views of you are subject to each viewer’s spiritual, emotional and physical state of mind.
We all know we’re not at our best when we’re upset. To figure out a constructive solution, we need to snap out of any negative mindset. Research shows that negative emotions like stress or hurt are associated with a narrower perspective and a tendency toward self-focus – in other words, your perception is skewed.
Gossip is one of the quickest and easiest ways to connect with another human being, and let’s face it: We can be lazy. The forbidden, exclusiveness and judgment of others can become social superglue. The most important thing to realize about these kinds of problem behaviors is that they aren’t about you. They are actually the behavior of someone who is nervous and anxious and typically lashing out with gossip about others to protect their fragile selves. They tear you down to make themselves look slightly better by comparison.
Sadly, because of the rampant pace we live at and the lack of “real deal” authentic communication with one another, many people crave a sense of devout human connection and intimacy and must resort to gossip to feel better and to relate and be accepted.
Invite your friend in a private place where you can talk openly. Approach your friend in a sympathetic, non-confrontational way. You can pull on your friend’s heartstrings, being genuine of course, by reminiscing about good times together first before initiating the conversation about hearing some scuttlebutt. Speaking from a place that is cool, collected and matter-of-fact, your friend may acknowledge or deny it, but you can set boundaries at that time for reconsidering continuing your friendship.
Take a moment to step back and feel grateful for the friendships you currently have without question.
Barb Rock is a retired mental health counselor and the published author of “Run Your Own Race: Happiness after 50.” Send any questions related to mental health, relationships or life issues to her at Barb[email protected] or text to (253) 377-9668.
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